My wish was to become the Meera of Murlidhar
—Dadi Prakashmani
Since childhood, I used to worship Shri
Krishna, and wished that I could be Meera. There was a Radhe-Krishna temple
just in front of my house. As part of my daily routine, I would go to the
temple in the evening and swing Shri Krishna and put him to sleep, worshipping
Shri Krishna with a lot of love. I even used to feel that Shri Krishna and Shri
Radhe loved me a lot. I used to read the Bhaagwat every day, as well as
we Sindhis believe in Sukhmani and Granth Sahib, which we were taught in
school. I used to enjoy listening to these and to the Ramayana, Mahabharata,
etc. in our Religion period. I would always come first in the school in this
subject. In fact, I loved all my academic studies, coming either first, second
or third in the school, never below, so the teachers loved me very much. I
spent much less time on sports and games these did not interest me. My older
sisters were married, leaving just me with my parents at home. I had no
interest in going out to different places, to sit and gossip with friends or to
eat outside, although I did have friends with whom I studied, otherwise I
didn’t have any friendships that just wasted time. I never stepped inside a
cinema hall in my life.
My lokik
parents had good sanskãrs; they were interested in religious activities
and spiritual gatherings, so good sanskãrs were cultivated in me. I
cannot remember ever being mischievous or my parents ever slapping me or being
angry with me, and I never quarrelled or fought with anyone at school. My lokik
father was a disciple of Swami Gangeshwarananda, and would take me with him
when he went to visit. Gangeshwarananda ji also knew how to tell horoscopes and
had said to my father: your daughter will not marry but will become Meera. I
had never been interested in eating or drinking, touring around, wearing good
clothes, etc. I cannot remember ever saying to my mother that I want such and
such a dress, or that I feel like eating this today or please prepare this or
that, never. Right from childhood, my favourite slogan was: Better to die than
to ask. I thought: To have desire is ignorance. Would the gopis ever
have desires? Would Meera ever have any desire? If they never would, why should
I?
Yes, I definitely
had a desire to have a vision of Shri Krishna or of Vishnu. I used to have a
deep longing to have a glimpse: when will I have a vision of Shri Krishna; when
will I have a vision of Vishnu, I used to wonder. I believed them to be God at
that time.
Shri Krishna and Shri Satyanarayan started
to appear in my dreams
I came into gyan in 1937, when I was
14 years old, and was studying for my matriculation. We were taught all
subjects– history, geography, mathematics, science, and so on– in English. Mama
also used to study in that same school, and we sat on the same bench in class.
Though we were classmates, I knew nothing about her, except that she was very
sweet, she had very long hair and a beautiful face and that I liked her very
much. For our three weeks’ holidays for Dashera and Diwali, we used to go to
spiritual gatherings and temples. It was very cold early in the mornings during
Diwali in Hyderabad.
During this time,
one night, in my dreams, I saw a beautiful garden. There was light upon light
everywhere in that garden. The light was so beautiful. There were huge flowers
and fruits as far as the eye could see that seemed to go on further and
further. Then a stronger light appeared at a very far distance in the garden,
and from the middle of that light appeared a very small Shri Krishna with a
flute coming closer and closer to me, dancing all the way. The closer he came,
the happier I felt. The more I looked at him, the happier I felt. An angel in
white appeared in the form of an old man behind Shri Krishna. In my childhood,
I had heard a story about Satyanarayana where God comes assuming the form of an
old person. When I saw this angel behind Shri Krishna, I felt that I was seeing
God Satyanarayan. I repeatedly looked from Shri Krishna to the old-bodied
angel. Both appeared very lovely to me. Then I woke up, and was extremely
happy. I had heard that if one receives a vision from God, one shouldn’t speak
of it; just like when a mute person eats a sweet they cannot speak of it, even
though they enjoy it inside. If a person were to speak of a vision from God
that they had received, God would never come again to that one, so I did not
speak a word about it, not even to my mother. Even so, God did not come again.
I chanted the rosary of Shri Krishna, went to the temple and called out: “O,
Shri Krishna, come!” He did not come. Three days passed in this way, then one
of my classmates, who used to go to Om Mandali, invited me to her house. When I
arrived at her house, she was in trance and tears were rolling down her cheeks.
Her name was Leela. I called to her: “Leela, Leela,” but she didn’t hear
anything. She was lost in her own world, smiling and putting her hand up, but
she didn’t respond to me. I said to her mother: “Leela called me, but she is
not responding when I call her nor opening her eyes.” Her mother replied,
“Daughter, I do not know what has happened to her. She continues to go into
trance. This has been her condition for the past two to three days.” I was very
pleased to see the state of her condition. Just as I was about to leave, she
came out of her trance, and when she saw me, she said, “Rama1 come!
I will help you have a vision of Shri Krishna.’’ I replied, “To have a vision of
Shri Krishna is not like going to your aunty’s home! I am doing so much
devotion and worship, yet have been unable to have a vision, yet you say you
can make me have a vision just like that?” Then Leela said, “Now it’s evening,
but tomorrow morning we will go at 10.00.” So, I went home and waited for the
morning. Baba used to start his gatherings at 10.00 in the morning because
mostly mothers were attending.
I saw the one whom I also saw in my dreams
Baba had begun satsangs in Bhavu
Vishwa Kishore’s house. Bhavu was Baba’s nephew. Whenever we used to go out, we
would always ask our parents’ permission. That very night my lokik
father said to me, “Daughter, now it is your holidays. Dada is conducting satsang
where they chant Om and sing songs, why don’t you go?” I said, “Papa, my
friend also told me that one can have a vision of Shri Krishna there, and she
asked me to go with her.” My father said, “Okay child, you can certainly go.”
The next morning, I collected Leela and we went to the satsang.
Baba was chanting Om
when we arrived. That sound was so nice. My eyes instantly fell on Baba’s
forehead. It seemed as if light was coming out of his forehead. Of course, I
didn’t know then who was Shiv Baba or Brahma Baba. I simply remembered how four
days earlier I had seen Lord Satyanarayan dressed in white along with Shri
Krishna in my dreams, and this Dada looked the same! Why did he come in my
dreams? Who is he? Is this Baba Lord Satyanarayan? I was looking at Baba as I
was thinking this. As I continued to watch him and listen to the sound of Om,
I went into trance. The same Shri Krishna, the same royal garden, the same Lord
Satyanarayan whom I had seen in my dreams appeared before me. I don’t know for
how long I was in trance because when I came back the satsang was over
and everyone had left. Someone had woken me up, and seeing myself alone, I felt
a bit shy, though I was still in the rapture of trance. Baba was sitting in his
room, and called me: “Come, child, come!” As I looked at Baba, sometimes I saw
Shri Krishna and sometimes Lord Satyanarayan. Even after returning home, I
continued to see these two, and couldn’t sleep for many nights following. I was
in such rapture that I couldn’t eat or sleep. My mother was concerned about
what was wrong with her daughter, but I liked to be in trance, so I would go
and sit on the terrace and go into trance to see Shri Krishna in heaven. My
love for this deepened. Papa also started to wonder what had happened to his
daughter, but I didn’t say anything except that everything was all right. This
had all happened during the period of Diwali, but then the holidays finished,
and it was time to return to school. I found that I had lost interest in going
to school, but still had to go. When I went to school, I met Mama. I said to her:
“Radhe, you go to satsang as well. Dada recites and explains the Gita
very well.” Mama agreed, saying that she had been once before, and we both
determined to go there daily. Soon afterwards, I said, “Papa, I don’t want to
go to school.” Papa looked at me sternly: “Why don’t you want to go!” “I don’t
want to continue this study,” I replied. “I want to drink the nectar of pure
knowledge and give it to others. I want to be a gopi with Shri Krishna
and Radhe and dance with them. I want to become a yogini.” Then Papa
said, “Okay, child, I want whatever you want.”
Didi Manmohini was
going to satsang before me. Didi was my lokik aunt and Anand
Kishore Dada was my cousin; they were both going to satsang, and as I
used to go with Didi, my parents did not mind. Later, Baba taught me to give
lectures, sing songs, give courses, recite shlokas (verses) from the
Gita, and so on. I no longer remembered anything of this world.
I said, Baba, I already belong to Shri
Krishna
However, before this, one incident stands
out in particular. Three of us friends were on our way to satsang. We
were wearing coloured clothes and jewellery. Baba’s house was in the middle of
the market. It was a very big house, and upstairs was a large room where Baba
used to stay alone. From upstairs, Baba had seen us arriving, and sent a
message asking the children to come up. We became nervous as to why Baba was
calling us upstairs! Baba called out to us: “Children do you want to get
married to one who wears a coat and pants or to one with a heavenly dress? We
did not understand this question because we did not even know what was a coat
and pants or a heavenly dress.” We were also surprised that Baba should be
speaking to us about marriage. Then, Baba asked again: “Speak, child, do you
want to marry Shri Krishna or some boy?” I said, “Baba, I have already married
Shri Krishna so there is no question of marrying anyone else.” Then Baba said,
“If you have already married Shri Krishna, why are you wearing coloured dresses
and jewels?” From that day on, I did not wear jewellery or coloured clothes.
Where did my Giridhar Gopal go?
We were in great intoxication of knowledge
at that time. During the month of April, Baba handed over all responsibility to
Mama and went to Kashmir with his lokik family from where Baba wrote a
letter to Mama: “Om Radhe, they are opening a school in Hyderabad in Sindh, yet
for as long you have not opened a boarding house for those children whose
mothers are coming to satsang, I will not come back to Hyderabad.” Baba
said that he would be going to Kashmir for a month, but Baba stayed there for
three months. We children were crying day and night: Where did my Giridhar
Gopal (Shri Krishna) go? We acted as if crazy, calling out “Baba! Baba!” and we
were desperately distressed. For those months, whenever we saw Baba, Shri
Krishna would appear. Shri Krishna was constantly in my eyes.
I
used to teach 10 year-old children when I was 15 years old
Mama made a lot of effort to open a school.
A meeting was held, and a committee was formed for it. At the meeting, it was
decided that I would be the instrument to run it. After all this was completed,
Mama wrote a letter to Baba asking him to return to Hyderabad. In that year,
1937, Baba inaugurated the boarding school. In those days, everyone who came to
satsang was addressed with the name Om: for example, Om Baba, Om
Radhe, Om Rama, Om Gopi, etc. There were about 50 children, both girls and
boys. My age was then 15 years old, and I was teaching those of 10 years old.
Baba used to teach me before I taught the children. Baba used to write poems
and songs himself, and would teach me how to prepare the lessons, how to teach
them, how to wake them up, to give them a bath, feed them and put them to
sleep. Baba taught me everything.
Baba loved me so much and gave me such
respect
Baba later formed a committee of four
mothers and four kumaris, a total of eight. He did not include any of
his lokik relatives in it. There was Didi Manmohini, Dadi Rukmani, Rup
(Mama’s lokik mother), Mohindra, and among the kumaris were Mama,
myself, Dadi Shantamani and Sundri Behn. Baba willed all his property in the
name of this committee of mothers and kumaris. Since my childhood, I had
never exhibited anything like sulking, crying, quarrelling, fighting, stealing,
disobeying parents, answering back to older people or showing ego, so Baba used
to love me a lot. He never showed me a stern eye, never scolded me, nor did he
ever ask me why I did something, never. Baba used to love me and also respected
me.
When Baba stayed
with us in Hyderabad, he would sometimes demonstrate his cleverness. There was
a train from Hyderabad to Karachi at 2.00 a.m., taking three hours. Baba used
to go to Karachi in that train. When we would wake up in the morning to find
that Baba had disappeared, we would all get upset, calling out: “Where did you
go, my Giridhar? Where did you go, my Ghanshyam? O’ Ganga, O’ Jamuna, where did
my Shyam go?” (All these are the names of Shri Krishna). Then a letter would
arrive from Baba saying that I will come after two days.
After the partition
of India, we came to Abu.
˜
